Jan 22, 2008

When will it stop hurting?

I want to apologize in advance since this blog is mostly about me having a "moment." Today, while reading a blog posted by Tonya (What is Normal?), it just brought on a flood of emotions! I just can't help but cry my eyes out! It's far and few between that I do have moments like these. I just still don't understand why this happened to my family. Why would God want to make somebodies life more difficult than it already has to be? I love Cole with all of my heart, but I still just don't understand. Why does Cole have to go through life being "different?" I hope this will cause him to be a more compassionate, caring, human being because I know that it has for me. I can't even bring myself to use the "D" word! Yes, I call it the D word like it is a bad word. I'm not ashamed of Cole, I'm ashamed at myself. Will I be strong enough for the days that people make comments or the days that Cole comes home in tears. I just don't know what the future holds.I guess that Cole is getting to the age where things are a little more apparent that he is different than other babies his age. While other moms are talking about how their child is crawling or sitting up I just sit in silence. My child isn't doing those things! I don't know when he will? I don't know when he will walk or talk. I do know one thing...that this child will be loved and cared for and shown all that life has to offer. I haven't yet experienced peoples cruel comments with Cole...yet. I don't know if they just don't notice or they just don't say anything. Cole and I attend Baby Boot camp twice a week (I do all the work, while he sits in his stroller) and it's all moms with young babies. I have yet to tell anyone about Cole. I guess it just hasn't come up. I mean what do you say? If it was the right situation I have no problem, but it just hasn't been. Well, I'm feeling a little better now..I better go attend to my little bundle of joy! Thanks for letting me rant!

7 sweet comments:

Tonya said...

Hugs sweet Katie! You will get through this. Each day Cole smiles will add to your armour! Some of us moms have the added experience of having AH children, so we are always comapring them. Not in a contest, but remembering when they did this or that. It is hard. There are days I don't think about it, but then days like yesterday make me realize, Knoah is special. In all ways. Cole has a fantastic, retrospectic momma to look up too! He is proud and one day, he will tell you himself!

Jennifer said...

Rant all you want! Moms want the road to be smooth for their children and for our Little Peole there may be some extra bumps along the way. Ask for help when you need it and nurture this wonderful support network that you all have established. It will be so much help to you and Cole as he grows! He's a wonderful baby Katie. He bright and happy and so, so cute. And he's loved!

Brooks said...

hey babe... I know that times seem rough, but you are the best mom in the world. Our special little boy is so luck to have a mom like you. You are our ROCK... We can get passed any tuff times as long as we stick together. I am so proud of you!!!

Anonymous said...


Cole will touch many lives throughout his lifetime. Only God knows whats in store for him, but with a smile like that it has to be something very special.

All children have their moments they have to go through for being different, that is certain. I don't think any of us are immune to it. Bryan's Dad is 6'4" and a very LARGE man, and in school he was teased constantly for it.

We can do is teach them God's love, and use the opportunities that arise to teach others about people with differences, and that they are really no different than you and I. And remember that we have much to be thankful for, that our children are home with us and healthy and happy and we are able to provide a loving, caring home for them.

When you get down, remember to count your blessings! These boys will be awesome. And they are lucky to have such caring, loving Moms who have already initiated a circle of friends for them. All kids should be so lucky!


YaYa to Bryan

Anonymous said...

I have seen how strong you are and how loving you have always been. Rant all you want it makes you stronger and realize that you are able to get through anything.

love you lots

Scott said...

Hello Katie,

I stumbled upon your blog and started reading your story. I give you all the credit as it's not easy dealing with the ups and downs, the unknowns and especially to this entry, the idea that we're supposed to just have babies...they poop, the cry, they get older, get move out, get married and we all retire happily to have the kids and grandkids over. Right? I mean, that's the way things are "supposed to" work. But as we now know, it's not the way it happens sometimes.
Our twins Colby and Avery were born 3 1/2 months early. After a month of fighting, our daughter Avery passed away. Colby, our son spent 122 days in the NICU and has been through more operations than my wife and I combined. He's currently wrestling with hydrocephalus as well and goes this coming Monday for an endoscopic third ventriculostomy.
So why do I throw up all the details of our situation onto your blog? Because at least for me, it's helped to hear that I'm not alone. And I want you to know that you're not alone in the way you feel. Tracey (my wife) and I sometimes talk about the idea of Colby possibly going through life with challenges. For us it’s the unknown of the future that’s most difficult. Colby too is delayed in his development. Our stance is that we'll empower him to do all that he's able to and a bit more. We can’t change certain things about his situation that are beyond our control. But we can influence the way we react to the challenges and how we face the future. In that way we feel that we gain some control over helping Colby.
I wish you and your family the very best. Stay strong, empower your little Cole with love and support and he'll flourish. Do keep the updates coming. Cole is a cutie!

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine the struggles you go through each passing day, but the blessing lies in you baby boy! He is alive and here for you to shower with love. He is the happiest baby I've ever seen and you are by far the strongest mom I've ever met. Don't stress over the "milestones" he hasn't met yet...all babies are different! If you makes you feel any better, Matti has yet to roll over on her own! And she's no where near crawling, and can only sit up for a few seconds before she falls to one side. No baby is perfect, but as mommies, all we can do is love them and help them become good people. I admire your strength, you have made the best of an unfortunate situation. You, baby Cole and your family are always in my prayers!

Melissa & Mattilyn