Mar 12, 2009

it's still hard

Yes, it IS still hard some days. I love my Cole...I wouldn't trade him for the world, but there are still days where it is hard for me. I know I only show you one side of our life on here. The side that keeps us busy, happy and full of life and this is what we are 99% of the time. There are those days that I still think "why MY child?" Now that Cole is getting older it is much more obvious that he is "different" from the rest of the kids on the playground. I have noticed a lot more looks from older kids and adults. Now, I'm not sure if they are looking because of his adorable face or because they are wondering about him. But yes, it is still very difficult for me to see this. As a mother you want nothing in the world to hurt your child and I know as a mother to Cole we will deal with lots of moments that the average child won't encounter. Now, I'm not saying that every child doesn't deal with some type of adversity as they grow up, but it is a different type than what Cole will face. Maybe I'm just having a little tiny pity party over here, but I think I'm entitled to one now and again. The pity party isn't for me, but then again I don't want to feel sorry for him. I hope he will grow up with compassion, broader views of the world and love for everyone. He is an amazing little guy who makes me smile daily. I just never want him to hurt...impossible I know, but a mother can dream. You know what does help? Having so many people in our life that love Cole for Cole. They don't judge, they don't treat him any differently, they treat him like any other 19 month old boy...which he really is. So, thank you to everyone...family...friends...blog friends for helping me through the past 19 months. I know there are people out there that have no idea that I even mean them...the people that invite us to just hang out on a day to day basis. It means the world to me that you would want to include us in your life. That is when I see that Cole really is just like every other child. I mean come on...look at that face! He had me at hello :)

42 sweet comments:

Annie said...

Katie- Cole is adorable and I know that Sutton has so much fun with him! I think you are doing an awesome job to raise him to be a great little boy and young man! We have loved getting to know you and are so thankful that God has given us the chance to have the Cole and Sutton be friends! He is such a happy and sweet boy!

The Lance Family said...

Oh, Katie...you have brought tears to my eyes!! You are such an amazing mom and I wouldn't even pretend to know what a day in your shoes is like. But I do understand not wanting anything to hurt you child...a perfect world, huh?? Cole is the cutest thing ever and I so look forward to getting to know both of you better!!

Destini said...

Katie, I totally understand. Those days are few and far between around here to, but it is impossible not to worry about it. I agree that you definitely start thinking about it a little more as they grow, Trace is definitely a head shorter than the kids in his class, and gets "hand me ups" from his cousin Eaden, who is a year younger than him. Our boys are soooo cute that it's really hard for people not to stare!

Sarah said...

Katie! You are allowed these moments. We all have them, and not because we want to change our child so much but because we want to save them from what they are going through or will go through. I understand. And it's such a small part of our lives to think about it because these adorable kids keep us on our toes just like any kid :) Trust me...having 2 kids, one LP and one AH they really are NOOOO different! But yes, our heart aches for them a little more at times. It's natural. And you may have another kid one day that you realize needs that protective mom thing from you even more :) Cole has GREAT parents who obviously love him more then anything, and because of this and your positive outlook he will grow up to be just as you picture him PERFECT! and like you said he will grow up with "compassion, broader views of the world and love for everyone" We love you guys and it's great having you too..it's amazing how much you can care for people you've never even met :)

Caden and Mommy said...

Katie!
I know there can be tough days ~ I always remind myself that cognitively our little guys are all there! In the grand scheme of things Caden could have a much worse disability - dwarfism isn't all that bad!
You are doing a wonderful job as a Mommy! Getting Cole involved in play groups and interacting with kids his age. He is developing great social skills! That is so important for any child AH or LP! Working at a school I see kids that get teased for everything!
We have some LP friends here in town and the little boy is 8. One of the last times they were over his Dad asked him what he thought about being little. He just shrugged his shoulders. They had never asked him that question before. To him he is just Chase! He really knows no different!
I hope we will raise Caden to think that same way!
Hang in there and know that Cole will be just fine!!!!
Trisha

Lisa said...

Katie, you're right this is very hard to deal with and I think we all go thru a grieving process - where we grieve the loss of our child's healthy body, and the loss of how we had PERCEIVED it would be to raise them.

I really believe there will always be good days and difficult ones but our kids will AMAZE us with their reactions and ability to bounce back much quicker than we do.

Now that Liz is 4 1/2, pretty much EVERYONE knows and it makes it a bit easier - not having to explain. I tell her everyday something great about being small. She has the best hiding places, etc... She even came up with a song about how great it is to be small. I really need to video it and post it.

Jennjilla said...

K,
You are doing great and are rasing an amazing, handsome, funny, charming and smart little boy. You are allowed the "why me, why us, why Cole" days whenever you want them and I applaud you for sharing that part of the journey, too. There are so many things you don't know before you become a parent, and to know that other people have the same overall doubts, fears and uncertainities of the future is reassuring. I don't know what it is like to walk in your shoes...but they are fabulous shoes, so work them, girl! You are living a beautiful life. :)

p.s.
That little face had me at hello, too! He's a doll!

Alex said...

First of all, let me say this: you are one amazing mom!!!!!! You were the first person who truly helped me when I was pregnant with Anaïs and I remember thinking "I hope I can be as strong as she is". You were so nice and understanding, I am forever thankful for that.
It is still hard on certain days, but you know what...our kids ARE different and that is not a bad thing. They have made us better, stronger and more loving people. I truly think they will be fine and they will have a wonderful life. Your Cole is just so cute, how could he not be fine? :)
And yes, people do look but people also stare at Sam (who is average height) because she speaks french. People stare for everything, so who cares? ;)
I can't wait to meet you guys in person one day!

the nelson family said...

you know, i am so glad that you wrote this post...it brought tears to my eyes! there have been many a day when i wanted to have a "blog pitty party"...it's part of life! it just shows to everyone that you have good days and bad days like the rest of us. you are allowed to have these moments! that is what life is all about and that is what makes us grow as a person. believe it or not, it is these moments that make you grow as a mother for cole! you seem like a truly amazing person and a wonderful mother! i hope that we get to meet someday! cole is an adorable little boy and i have really enjoyed watching him and getting to know him on your blog! keep doing what you are doing! cole always looks so happy and i know that he loves you so much! i can see it in his face!

B.E.A.L. said...

Oh Katie....I want to give you the biggest hug right now...seriously!

I think you are such a strong person and an awesome mom! I adore Cole and he DOES have the.best.smile and it as cute as ever!

Just think you and your family have been given the opportunity to help other people in the world learn to be better people.

I applaud you in the fact that you are sharing how you feel and what you go through. I love that I am able to be apart of this journey and that we have the privilege of knowing you and Cole!

Catie said...

Katie, I think everyone has pretty much said what I am thinking. You are an amazing mom! Also, what you are feeling is completely normal, for anyone to say that they never feel/felt that way they would be lying. We all want what is best for our children. Sometimes I am still taken off guard when somebody says or stares at Hannah, but like you said I wouldn't trade her for the world! Hugs!!

The Leonard Four said...

well mama...i have a GIANT lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

i know that we already talked about this yesterday, but you are aloud to feel like this once in awhile. you're cole's mommy and it's in you to want to protect him. he's lucky to have you! just as lucky as you and brooks are to have him!

i hope you know how truly blessed our whole family is to know the johnson3...i think that we're better for it!

nothing makes me smile more at the gym everyday then getting kisses blown to me from your sweet kiddo!

Amanda said...

Yup! I think your right! You got one absolutely adorable kid on your hands!

Holly said...

Kaite - I am sending big HUGS your way! And please slather Cole's face with kisses for me please!!

Everyone has said it already - but you are an amazing woman that turned into an amazing momma!! You are raising such a happy & darling little boy!!!

xoxo

Meredith said...

Hey girl! While I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, I do know how it feels having a child and not wanting them to experience any unnecessary hardships! But, how cool is it knowing that God has some special plan for Cole and He knew that only you and Brooks would be able to parent him the right way to meet his potential! We look forward to many more future playdates!!!

Hall Family said...

Katie -- I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, but thanks for posting this. I have the same feelings sometimes too, and it is nice to know I'm not alone.

Andrea said...

{(HUGS)} from Andrea who completely understands.

the rodriguez crew said...

k-jo,
yep, you totally got me on this one. my eyes filled up with tears, mostly because you're sweet honesty is so heartfelt. you are such a wise girl at the ripe young age you are, & you do an AMAZING job with Cole. I am SO happy that I got to finally meet Cole, and YOU! And I look forward to lots more fun playdates whenever we're in town! Cole isn't one bit different than all of these other boys in my eyes - and he MIGHT have the best wardrobe out of all of them!! ;)

HUGS!

Danielle said...

Feeling that way only makes you a normal, loving mother! I feel that way sometimes with Peyton...mostly b/c it's so easy for us to forget that she's different. Then when we notice someone looking a little longer than normal we start to wonder "is it b/c she's cute or are they wondering what's different?" It happened this morning at swim class. So just know that you are not alone, and that Cole is a great kid and is lucky to have such a great mom.

Bobbi said...

Katie....I think we've all had those feelings at some point. Heck, I still do time and again. But, it's not always for Ellie, my LP. I have pity parties regarding my other AH girls, too. Of course, they won't have to deal with many of the obstacles that Ellie will, but believe me, they have some of their own, too. I'm sure other moms would agree that their AH kids have various adversities....just as we ALL do.

But...what keeps me going is the fact that I have been chosen, just as you have, to raise the sweetest child on the planet. I thank God daily for her and blessing me with such a sweet, precious gift.

I think you are entitled to have 'one of those days,' just as we all are. By tomorrow, you'll be back to your sweet, bubbly self and ready to take on the world!! ;)

Lucia & Jose said...

Girl, enjoy your pity party, sometimes you need to vent things out. You do such a wonderful job as a mom and wife. You have such a lovable little boy who brings so much life where ever he is. He is going to do great things in life, wait and see.

Mattilyn Paige said...

Katie, you deal with so much more than what most of us can even understand...and it only shows what a great mom you are! You are doing a wonderful job of surrounding Cole with people that love him! He is so lucky to have you as a mom, and he will always have you, no matter what obstacles he encounters in life! Besides, he REALLY is the cutest thing EVER!

Leann said...

Katie -
Vent away! But know that you are such an amazing mama to a beautiful boy. =)
(((Hugs)))

Melissa Swartley said...

I hear ya! Those days are coming around the corner for Sonya. We have just started getting some "looks"... Who wouldn't want to look at our cute kids?, I say! They are way too cute for their own good! Hugs! :)

Jodi said...

Honey, you are an amazing mom. Your strength is something I admire on a daily basis. You are allowed to feel down, and sad. It's normal. I would worry more about you if you never felt that!
You have a beautiful family, and you are wonderful parents. Cole is lucky to have you!

tiffany said...

Hey girl~

You got me goin'....tears!

God has an AMAZING plan for Cole! He chose you & Brooks to be his parents! Cole will teach us to accept people no matter what their differences!

Katie, you are definitely entitled to your down days....you are real and honest! People appreciate that :-)

I can always rent a 2 yr old and make a special trip to Dallas :-) You are an amazing person and a wonderful mother! Keep doing what your doing!

Much love~


Cole is precious!

QGIRL said...

Tears were a flowin, reading this post!
This is why I love your blog! You are so amazing in every way, esp. when you can keep it real, and tell it how it is.

As a mom of AH kids, I will never know what it is like for you on a daily basis. I can only tell you that when I read your blog or see other LP I am in awe. And to be perfectly honest, my heart goes out to you too because it must be a huge responsibility to raise such unique children. I also wish that everyone can see that we are all alike, even though we might not be the same size.

I am not religious, but I truly believe that there is a divine plan for everyone.
My good friends are the Hedgers and their sweet girl, Lizzy, is the one of the smartest, most adorable kids I know.

Thanks for educating me and constantly inspiring me every day.
{{Hugs from one mom to another}}

jar.leonard said...

You are amazing!! I love your honesty and authenticity. You are brave to share your feelings like you do, and to let us all into your incredible life with your precious son! I haven't gotten to meet Cole, but from what I have heard about him from Jodi, and what I've read here, he is AWESOME!! Thank you for sharing him with us. You're wonderful! xoxo, rebecca

Becky said...

Katie - I'm not even sure what to say because I would never, ever try to pretend I know what it's like to be in your shoes but what I do know is Cole is the luckiest kid on the planet to have a mom like you! You are truly amazing!! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with how you feel about this situation and verbalizing it is perfectly normal and definitely needed. And I hope you know I am always here for you to talk to and for ANYTHING you might need. I adore you and Cole more than you realize and feel blessed beyond words to know you. You both make mine and Jorja's life better. I mean, let's face it - without you two we would be sitting at home all day like a bump on a log with no friends! HA! Seriously though, as far as I'm concerned Jorja and Cole are no different than another other boy & girl that like to make out! :)

Love you friend.

tilley time said...

Im officially a follower now! Im addicted to Cole and i have never met him! Constant smiles and pure joy ...that is what i see when i look at him. i think you have such an amazing journey behind and ahead of you....and Cole is one lucky kid.
I can't wait to keep up with your blog...i too love the honesty. all mom's can relate to your story on different levels and share your laughter and tears.....keep it coming...

LLT

Kelly said...

I don't know about anyone else, but I happen to think Cole is the cutest!! Love his sweet smile and happy eyes. You are such a great mommy :)

Poefam said...

Girl, I have never met Cole, and have spent little time with you (That should change!), but I know that you are such a great Momma and that Cole is the more adorable thing I've ever seen! You are so blessed to have one another! And, I feel that Cole is going to do BIG things...and I can't wait to see what they are!

Dunhams said...

Katie, it was so great meeting you and Cole today!! Madeline really seemed to love Cole, and she was obsessed with giving high fives after he gave her one :) You seem like an amazing Mommy and Cole is the sweetest little boy! It seems like God blessed you with him because he knows how strong and positive you are...I can tell this and I've only met you once!! :) You are such an inspiration! But no mommy ever wants their baby to hurt; so know that anytime you're feeling sad, we're all here praying with you. Madeline and I really hope to see you two again soon!!
Nikki

H3 said...

Hi Katie, I'm a friend of Paige's and she got me hooked on your blog and sweet Cole. I admire your honesty and openness. I have a 13 month old son and like the other mommies on here, you have brought me to tears. You are dead on - we never want our babies to feel pain or hurt. However, for having never met either you or Cole, I must tell you that he looks like one of the happiest kiddos I've ever seen. You're doing something right. Keep it up!

Tonya said...

Katie- Look at you support system!! It's wonderful!!!

Summer, Justin, Blake, and Sutton said...

LOVED seeing you today Katie ... and finally meeting COLE! He is beautiful - seriously, SO CUTE - and we can't wait to have many more playdates with ya'll! You are obviously an amazing mommy and Cole is blessed to have you - and vice versa! :) Hope to see you again very soon!! Blake is looking forward to playing with his new buddy Cole again!

Jennifer said...

Cole's total, absolute cuteness will carry him through lots of tough times. It's hard not to be instantly in love with that super smile!

Team Carroll said...

Girl...tears.in my eyes.right now.

You are SUCH an amazing Momma and Cole is as blessed to have you for a parent as you are to have him for a child. You are seriously an inspiration to so many mommas...me included!! I can't pretend to know what it's like to live a day in your shoes, but I know how hard it is to watch your baby hurt or worry about how he'll feel when someone or something hurts him.

Just know that you're always in our prayers and God has a special plan for your sweet family. We ADORE you guys to pieces and I feel SO blessed to know you and know that Landon has a friend as precious and perfect as Cole!! We love you guys!!

sharon said...

Katie thank you for this post. It is these posts that really make me feel that I'm not alone. I truelly understand what you mean and cant really add to the comments as its all been said. Thank you again..you are a great person with the cutest most adorable son.xxx

kiki said...

I only see Cole's sweetest smiles, brightest eyes every time reading his blog. He's such a happy kid and I think that's most important. You did a great job, Katie!

Greene Family said...

Cole is so adorable, and you are an amazing mom!! As others have already said, it is completely normal to feel the way you do . . . it shows you are a loving mother and want the best for Cole! I feel so blessed to be a part of this blogging family, and I feel that I have so many close friends that I have yet to meet in person!

Lara said...

Gosh Katie, there should have been a warning on this one...whoa I don't think I've cried that much in a while. Keep your head up and you know everything will be ok. Cole is an awesome boy and you are a strong person! Love him to pieces!!

Lara