Mar 14, 2011

life isn’t fair

Sometimes I want to kick and scream and just yell that it isn’t fair. It’s been an amazing three and a half years with my sweet Cole. I think it’s fair to say that we have had our ups and downs, but I am thankful for every second I have had with him. He makes me laugh..he makes me cry…he makes me want to pull my hair out, but he is mine and I love him. I ask him “how much does mommy love you?” his response “to infinity and beyond!” It’s true. I love him so much it hurts. With all of that being said it can be so hard at times. He is so perfect in my eyes, but I’m reminded every time we leave our house that Cole is “different.” I HATE the looks, stares and whispers. I don’t think I will ever get used to it. Cole is simply oblivious to it at this age, but I know the time will come when he will notice. I’m sure there will be tears on both our parts when that day arrives. I understand that you don’t see someone like Cole everyday and you are curious, but please be respectful. When I see an adult staring I want to walk over to them and just yell. Of course, I don’t. I want to keep him all wrapped up in my arms and not let anyone hurt him. I get so comfortable in our little bubble of close friends that don’t judge Cole…don’t look at him any different than their own child that it’s like a big slap in the face when we go out. Why is life so cruel? Why do I have to feel this way? Why can’t I just say who cares and keep walking? Why must I hang onto this and think about it daily? Why? Why? Why?! I get tired of people telling me I was chosen for a reason. I just don’t understand why some children are forced to face different challenges. For the rest of his life he will deal with this every.single.time he is out. My hope for the future is that all people are accepted and treated with respect no matter what their “special need” is. I really hate this feeling. I feel so helpless. I really haven’t cried over this in a very long time, but today it just hit me hard.

11 sweet comments:

Heidi@TheCraftMonkey said...

I love you! {{hugs}} you are an amazing person and an even MORE amazing Mama! AOE

The Leonard Four said...

oh friend...i'm so sorry that you're having one of those days. i can't imagine how hard it must be for you, but i do know that none of us parents want to see our kiddos hurt in any way. i know that it must be heartbreaking, and i have to say that cole is lucky to have you as a mommy! just keep doing what you're doing...and remember just how LOVED cole is! :) xo.

Summer, Justin, Blake, and Sutton said...

NO, it isn't fair at ALL. I honestly just think of Cole as a regular old 3 year old! He is sweet and precious and the cutest little guy ... and you are an amazing mommy!! I am so sorry you have to encounter insensitive people. I am sure most of them are just curious, but HELLO ... everyone knows not to stare at someone else!! People just need to think! Anyway, I think you are a wonderful mom and I think Cole is a darling boy!

Kelly Partin said...

Coming from a lp for 26 years now and being a mom of an lp, I know what you are going through. I do have to say it is harder being a parent of a lp then being one my self. I never paid attention to the stares that much growing up. It was part of my life and I just went ignored it. Being a mom on the other hand and seeing people stare at Kaylee and I makes me so mad. Its not the fact that they are staring at me but the fact that they are staring at Kaylee. So to ease you mind some what Cole will grow up ignoring the stupid people that are out there and live his life like another other person.

Jillsblog said...

Katie, JD is 5 1/2 now and he doesn't notice stares or long glances. I do. Actually when kids do or say something to him I do respond. Maybe the teacher in me, I like to educate. It does get better and each time it is easier if that makes sense. U seem like such a caring, loving Mom, let that be enough to get u through. If u ever need to vent u have all of us POLPs to chat with anytime. Hope that helps that u r not alone. :)

Colleen said...

The only reason people should do a double take when they see Cole it to check and see if he's as stinking cute as they thought he was on first glance!

ThePoeFam said...

Oh Katie,
Your honesty is so admirable! ...And, even though I could never pretend to know what it feels like to be in your shoes, I do know that you are a perfect Mommy for Cole. I have always been so impressed with the way you Mother him...he is a darling boy!
HUGS!!!

Alex said...

I know the feeling...I also have my moments when I think of the challenges ahead of us because I am very well aware that now things are pretty easy with Anaïs being only 2 1/2 years old. Just getting her signed up for preschool was an eye opening experience for me.
Life just isn't fair...period. We have to trust that our kids will be strong and that is up to us to teach it to them.

Holly said...

Oh, Katie I'm so sorry to hear that yesterday was a tough day for you. It breaks my heart that you have been struggling with these issues. I wish I had a magic wand to make all ignorant and hateful people disappear! You are an amazing mom and Cole is nothing but a pure blessing and shining star! You, Cole, your family, this blog, etc is changing the world one person at a time by showing people how beautiful and amazing everyone's differences are! It might not seem like it, but by sharing your life & journey, you are creating a future path for Cole that will be more accepting, loving, and less judgmental than ever before. You should be very proud! xoxo.

Lyla Our Little Miracle said...

Katie! I emailed u about this. Check ur email girl. Remember u r not alone! POLP stick together! Xoxo

Greene Family said...

Katie - You are a wonderful, loving mom, and you are raising a strong boy that will be confident and will know how much love and support he has! He probably won't even notice the stares, or will at least shrug them off knowing that there are just ignorant people that don't know any better.
I always just think that when I see people looking at Simon that they are just seeing the incredibly cute boy that I see! :) Simon is always waving and chatting it up with strangers, so I know (or at least hope) that he will be confident with the amazing person that he is, no matter what.
Hugs, my friend!! Like others have said, you can always talk to any of us POLPs . . . always hear to lend an ear and give support!